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Most of my dreams do not squarely fall into "normal dreams" or "nightmares" category. There is a sense of being chased in many dreams, some ungraspable fear of getting caught. In other dreams, there is a loud vocal confrontation I am too shy to engage into by daylight. Yet there is never a sense of defeat or despair, never a hint of an inconquerable ilness. I am giving my best and stand my ground to the last drop of sweat. I miss this heady alertness and visceral confidence when I am awake. Daylight lets fear in. 


14 Days to Go

The only spots of color in Berlin these days are electrical and neon lights. The rest is drenched in the grey mist. All in all a perfectly gloomy backdrop for a depression. And while I diligently gulp a glass of water with a calcium and vitamin D tablet dissolved in it every morning, I can't help wishing to fast-forward through the rest of the winter.

Even the Fernsehturm disappeared without any involvement from David Copperfield.Collapse )


Medal for Courage

Slumberous buzzing of the mobile phone's alarm signal. Jerking out of sleep. Stretching out a hand to switch off the alarm and drift off back to uncounsciousness. Half an hour later giving up the blanket's warmth and crawling out of bed to face another day.

It's been a rough year. The problems from before were of a different ilk. They either faded in the past or got fixed, sometimes by themselves, if one got lucky. This year they punched you in the face, took hold of your life for months, slaughtered your ego, and mockingly tripped you up the moment you believed the worst was over. No, the lesson to be taught is that some things do not get better, and that the worst mistakes are made by omission, not action. A part of you dies to let the rest of you heal or at least accept. Just do not fight battles. Take baby steps. Muster courage to wake up. Finish reading a book. Keep your place clean. Go to work. Function. Give yourself a medal for courage and make it a token of hope. Hope does not die last. But dying without hope hurts more. 




  1. Beyond Silence (1996, by Caroline Link). February.


Kultur 2013

LJ is a pain. Over the course of years I haven't got used to its glitches and uncontrollable visual editor. I've just wasted half an hour trying to fix the  lengthy post about my spare time highlights. My laptop started to buzz plaintively every time I opened the edit page, which announced its collapse right away. It would be a pity to completely abandon this account because it survived some rather turbulent periods in my life. So I decided to keep it for the memories' sake mostly. Since LJ acts up when a post exceeds some limit, I broke down some of my older LJ posts into smaller parts.


  1. Schule der Gewalt (Roman) by Norbert Niemann, 15 January

  2. Blinde Weide, schlafende Frau by Haruki Murakami, 31 January

  3. Johannisnacht by Uwe Timm, 22 February

  4. Unser Kampf by Götz Aly, 3 May


  1. Die weiße Rose (1982, von Michael Verhoeven), 2 January

  2. Das Adlon. Eine Familiensaga (2013, von Uli Edel), 14 January

  3. Sophi Scholl - Die letzten Tage (2005, von Marc Rothemund), 2 February

  4. The Master (2012, by Paul Thomas Anderson), 13 April


  1. Top Gear Live, 23 February

  2. Depeche Mode, 22 June

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